You’ve got a problem with a racoon… or maybe a whole family or pack of racoons? If you’re referring to those mischievous nighttime visitors—or unwanted attic or chimney dwellers—with striped tails, eye masks, and human-like little hands, then you’ve also got a problem with spelling. Don’t be embarrassed, because it’s totally not your fault. It’s actually an epidemic, unleashed upon humanity by a vast conspiracy among these crafty woodland creatures. Shocked? Don’t believe it? Read on!
Raccoons are intelligent animals, who know we’re onto them and their exploits—like living rent-free in our attics, stealing food from our pets’ dishes on the deck, harvesting veggies from our gardens, and making a mess while rummaging in our trashcans. These resources are far too precious to them to chance losing, so they are actively messing with our ability to spell their name. Why? Simply put, it’s a clever way of ensuring that many of us will never find the conflict resolution advice we’re searching for online.
It’s a sneaky and elaborate plot. So far, all we know for certain is that the wrong spelling (racoon) is mysteriously popping up in more places, convincing people that it is the correct spelling. As people increasingly search for “racoon” advice—and don’t find it, because it is posted under “raccoon” the correct spelling—the raccoons freely go about their exploits. Exactly how they are proliferating the misspelling we do not know, but they are, in effect, blocking access to vital information about how to keep them out of our homes and gardens.
As if this were not nefarious enough, the raccoons—or “Rackoonz,” as the architects of their master plan prefer to be called—are also engaged in a more insidious and far-reaching plot to hobble the next generation of spellers, so that raccoons will forever have virtually unimpeded access to our attics, chimneys, and gardens. How? Several of them have infiltrated the big name publishing houses of elementary school spelling books and dictionaries. Working at night, after employees leave the building, they are systematically removing the second “c” in the word “raccoon” in all the electronic files. In fact, one nimble-pawed culprit was apprehended attempting to get into file drawers, apparently hoping to access even the hard copies and correct them (or is that “corect” ?) with white-out fluid.
The good news is that we are onto their shenanigans, and we have done an end-run on them. We’re here waiting with the information you need to solve your problems with these wily animals… be they raccoons, racoons, rackoons, rackoonz, or any other variation they may pull on us. We are, in fact, on a high priority mission to uncover all their clever plots and machinations. You can be sure that we will promptly share our findings. That’s our job: Keeping you one step ahead of these alarmingly strategic and resourceful animals.